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Saturday, March 7, 2009

Watchmen against insomnia, 1-0

I have just returned from a date with my husband. We ate at a cute new bistro near where we live, and then we went to the movies. Which is where the romantic evening I had envisioned crawled up and died. Or rather, fell asleep. Because as unlikely as I thought that might be, the movie was incredibly boring. And I mean seriously, majorly, I'd-rather-be-at-the-dentist-or-at-the-ob/gyn-or-please-God-anywhere-else-but-here boring. The kind of boring that makes you think "Wow, these are three hours of my life I'll never get back".

Think I'm being a tad dramatic? Well, that's probably because you haven't seen the movie. Go see it after you are done reading this, I dare ya. Then come back and tell me. Yes, you can do it after your post-movie nap.

Ok, I don't really want you to go see it - not unless you really want to. Because if you want to waste 10 bucks (or whatever the price of a movie ticket is there days, don't know, my husband paid) there's other things you could do, like get a good book and read. Or go to a Barnes & Nobles, get a cappuccino and a copy of InStyle and chill while simultaneously keeping up to date withe current trends. Or, I don't know, go to H&M and get a scarf or something. So many better things come to mind.

But because I know you won't believe me unless I post a somewhat professional movie review, I will give it my best shot. As far as the format goes, at least.

Title: Watchmen

Genre: fusion. "Comic book movie" meet "spoof" meet "film noir" meet "science fiction" meet... I don't know, something really boring.

Summary: weird old super-heroes with costumes that range from ridiculous to slutty, and including a blue guy wearing absolutely nothing. That's right, one of the super heroes was a very tall, very blue, very n*ked guy. Who, by the way, was very philosophical. How everyone stayed serious when he talked about scientific phenomena and metaphysics while being buck n*ked is a testament to how terribly unlikely and unreal the story was.

Anyway, summary: the former superhero who smokes the cigar and wears the costume that looks like a cross between a G.I. Joe doll and a dirty, second-hand quarterback uniform gets kicked around and thrown out the window by an unknown villain. (He happens to be played by the actor who pays Danny on Grey's. That poor guy just dies over and over.)

The psychotic former superhero who is kind of dressed like a detective-who-became-a-hobo breaks into places, hurts people and talks in a low, sort of hissy voice that make you want to reach into the screen to hand him a cough drop.

The daughter of the gal with the slutty costume, now a superheroine (that sounds bad) with her very own slutty costume and super-high stiletto heels has s-e-x with the tall blue n*ked man (the only scene in the movie when him being n*ked makes sense) but then gets mad at him and dumps him and goes hang out with the former superhero that looks like the child of Batman and Catwoman, and then has s-e-x with him on the hovercraft. Very visual, BTW. Waaaay too much information.
Also, said superhero was played by the guy who played Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera, so every time there was a shot of him without costume and without glasses I'd get a flashback of him singing "Christiiiine, that's all I ask of youuuuu".

Anyway, to make a long (loooong, very long) story short, one of the former good guys is a bad guy and... I don't want to give away the ending, since you might decide to see the movie despite all my warnings (you masochist, you); and if you do, feel free to fall asleep during hour two but try to be awake during part of hour three so you can see the ending and feel like you got your money's worth.

As far as I'm concerned, the only real superhero in the story was the slutty daughter of the former slutty superheroine, because she could kick the bad guys' butt in stilettos. I can't even run after my toddler in stilettos, so my hat's off to her.

Duration: 3 long, long hours.

Nudity: much. In fact, way too much. Especially the blue guy, he totally creeped me out. In fact, the whole movie traumatized me. To much n*ked, too much talking, too much cheesiness... it literally suffocated whatever plot there may have been. Although perhaps there wasn't much plot, in which case all that other stuff was sort of a brilliant way to conceal it, I guess. If by brilliant you mean tedious, monotonous and several other synonyms of boring.

And you know what? My husband kind of liked it. How we stayed married 12 years, I don't know. But I do know that my rehab shall include something funny and short, where everybody is fully dressed.


Garage Door Repair said...

This is an excellent blog post, Great work keep it up!

Sonia said...

Funny Elisa. Keeping it real alright!


Eolly said...

I agree with you about the blue nekkid man was overly done. But the movie was based off a 20 yr old novel. It was done very well and was looong. I went and seen it at the midnight showing on Thursday night and only doozed off once and that was because I had worked a 10 hour day then did some personal stuff up until I picked up my date.

Nice pos but I disagree it was a good moive, just too much blue nekkid dong:P.

Keely said...

It wasn't "comic book spoof", it was based off an actual comic book, one that is apparently award-winning. One, I must say, that I didn't enjoy very much (and I read a lot of comics). Same guy who wrote "From Hell" and "V for Vendetta".

Sorry to hear it didn't translate. Wasn't high up on my list of "must-sees" anyway ;)

Elisa said...

I know it wasn't a spoof, but it looked like one in many ways. I read comics too, and I've seen several comic book-based movies that were very well made. This wasn't one of them :-(

I'm excited about X-Men Origins coming out in May, though!

FoN said...

I wish I had read this post before last night, because seeing this horrible movie is how I spent my saturday evening. When it wasn't horribly boring it was the most depressing thing I have ever seen. I should have lobbied harder for 'He's Just Not That Into You'

bermudabluez said...

I am SO glad we didn't go to that movie!!! We went to the new Tyler Perry movie...it was hilarious! But I hear ya....I would so much rather grab a coffee at a Border's with this month's InStyle and curl up for the evening!! Have a great Monday!!

Anonymous said...

but I am sure you would have loooved to have watched the sex and the city movie again, even if it was 5 hours long.

haha. i've never seen one review so clearly display one person's shallow, and empty life. Talk about zero personal growth.

I mean, its easy to get bored when you don't understand what's going on. I liken it to a toddler watching the Discovery Channel.

the fact that you have influence over children is terrifying to me.

god help us all.

get back to shopping.

Anonymous said...

I've got some issues with this post. Dr. Manhattan's (the blue man!) nudity was actually a big deal with a lot of symbolism in the book. So it actually made a lot of sense for him to be naked.

And the weird old superheroes also had their own significance, including the slutty costume of Sally Jupiter, and Rorschach's breaking & entering m.o.

It seems like this is a movie for people who like books and like to follow themes and symbolism and find deeper connections... or for someone who's willing to be entertained.

It seems like romantic comedies may be more your thing, but that doesn't mean Watchmen was terribly boring with overblown nudity.

La Mom said...

Maybe you should have seen a sexy French movie. But wait ,sometimes they can put you to sleep too! Beter luck next date night!

Larissa said...

Oh no! My husband really wants to see this next weekend. I wonder if I should break the bad news to him, or watch it with him anyway...

bernthis said...

I promise to take three hours tomorrow and live them in your honor. Appreciate the heads up.

MsGourmet said...

How my husband and i have stayed married for so long is that we go to the movies - separately! He watches crap like the movie you just reviewed and i go off to see my french, spanish and italian films ;o)

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